Movie Buffs

January 25, 2010 at 1:16 am (Uncategorized)

I love to go out to the movies. There is something so satisfying about seeing larger than life actors and actresses play out a slice of life. I am lucky enough to have a Dipson Theatre five minutes from my house. They are the Buffalo area theatres that bring the small-run films to town; the ones that only tend to gain attention this time of year when the award shows nominate films you never heard of.

What I hate about going to the movies concerns the others that seem to surround me….the others who haven’t seemed to yet catch on the fact that they are no longer in their living rooms, but in a giant room with other people who have paid $10 to be entertained by the people up on the screen (how’s that for an angry run-on sentence). So I give to you my top three list of those annoying others that seem to find their way into every movie I attend!

Captain or Mistress Obvious

Considering I am now an intelligent 36 years old, and I still have my eyesight, I really don’t need you to give me a play-by-play of what is going on up on the screen. “Oh, he was dreaming!” Yes, usually when they have a scene followed by the character snapping awake in bed, it means he had been dreaming. We covered that in film 101. “Oh, he has a gun!” Yes, he has a gun. We can all see that. How about trying to point out something interesting, like all of the people glaring at you, trying to will you to shut your trap as we’re trying to listen.

Mr. and Mrs. Chew

Yes, part of the movie experience is getting the tasty snacks. But, I don’t need to know that you are eating them. There really is no conceivable reason for me to be able to hear you chomping on your popcorn other than you really were raised in a barn. It’s called keeping your lips together while you are chewing. Try it sometime. It might even keep some kernels from falling out.

Jabberjaw

Hey guess what? Whatever gossip about your life is not more interesting or important to the rest of us than watching the movie. If you seriously cannot stop talking for the two hours it takes for a movie to play…well, there is medication for that. As there is for aunt Gertie’s foot issue that you seem to think the rest of us care so much about. Sometimes you are better seen and not heard; trust us on that one.

So help me, help you. If you see any of these characters at your local movie theatres, suggest a Netflix subscription. Together, we can win this fight.

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The Seduction of the Semi-colon

January 21, 2010 at 3:15 am (Uncategorized)

I never thought I would be in a position to say that proper grammar would make me hot. I guess it is something I take for granted, being an English major in college. And I also realize that the internet has forced a broader definition for what is acceptable as legible written communication. Such as starting a sentence with “and.”

However, my peeps on a forum (Hello, fellow LE’ers!), have noticed how much we are drawn to men who can wield their linguistic skills like a paintbrush, and write email messages that are actually…interesting…and legible…and intelligent. Honestly, it is getting to the point where we brag about receiving an email with proper punctuation and spelling. One even posted ” Punctuation is Sexy” as her Facebook status. I’m seriously thinking we should have bumper stickers printed up.

So for any men out there who are trying to seduce a lovely woman, toss out your dog-eared Karma Sutra. Instead, try grabbing Elements of Style the next time you are about to type up a message. A couple of properly used commas and capitalized sentences, and she will be putty in your hands. And you can trust me on that.

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In a Manner of Speaking…

January 18, 2010 at 1:25 am (Uncategorized)

Ok, this really has nothing to do with the manners I am talking about, but it's pretty funny anyways.

Apparently I didn’t get the memo that informed humanity that the increased use of online communication made manners obsolete. As I’m usually the last to find out anything anyhow, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that I am behind the curve yet again. And to be perfectly honest, I know there were quite a few humans out there who weren’t to keen on using manners even before the ‘net took over.

I think what may bother me personally the most right now, is how people believe that an online communication means that they can completely ignore without repercussions. These are the same people who would claim to be good people, and would never think to ignore someone on the street who says “hello.” But suddenly, it’s OK and easy to totally dismiss another human being because you cannot look into their eyes at that moment.

Another trend I have suddenly found myself exposed to is the belief that the online communication means you can feel totally comfortable with saying *anything*. And I mean a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g. Since when is it acceptable for you to tell someone what you’d like to do to someone if you got them alone. Now maybe you have realized that “getting them alone” is a pipe dream you will never realize, but if you’re not willing to say it to someone’s face, keep it locked up in that pervy little brain of yours.

As much as I like to joke around, I’m beginning to think that we are creating a world where people will forget the art of face-to-face conversation and communications. If this doesn’t scare you, it should. Humans, as much as we like to think otherwise, are simple mammals who have relied on the non-verbal cues of body language to survive for hundreds of thousands of years (unless you are Sarah Palin, then it would be the last 6000). These cues can only be read when in another person’s presence…behaviors such as lying, aggression and manipulation will not be as apparent in online communication, leaving people vulnerable to making dangerous assumptions and decisions; how many times have you heard of some kid going off to meet someone they met online, only to have the situation become dangerous?

I guess I suddenly find myself becoming one of those Luddites who sounds like they hate technology. I don’t. But like anything, it can be harmful if not used as prescribed. And if you are using technology to hide from being human, I will tell you to your face, you need some serious help.

Photo Courtesy of Sung Sook

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Would You Like to Be a Mermaid or a Whale?

January 11, 2010 at 10:53 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , )

I have tried to find the original source of this story, but came up empty (no one seems to know, so if you can point me in the right direction, please let me know so I can credit the author).

With today’s horribly destructive media messages that sickly thin is an attractive and desirable quality, I found this story to be very satisfying, even if it’s not true (but I hope it is!)

Recently, in large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym . It said:

¨THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?¨

A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern:

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans).. They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Barren Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don’t exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don’ t have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not to mention how could they have sex? Therefore they don’t have kids either. Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a piece of chocolate with my friends. With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren’t heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, ¨Good gosh, look how smart I am…¨

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Talk About Needing a Break…

January 11, 2010 at 1:46 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

I’m already exhausted after only doing the online dating thing for two weeks. And I didn’t even get one good date out of the whole thing…I mean usually, even if you have a bad date, you can at least get a free dinner out of the deal, right?

It’s not because I didn’t get messages from anyone…oh, boy, did I get messages! I received the loquacious “o i am so lonely” and a 15 question survey. No one warned me that I might be interviewed! I got called a sexy BBW goddess about 10 times…seriously guys, if I was a goddess do you think I would be on a dating site? I would be planning my next natural disaster or scheming how to overthrow my brother who is also my father (got to love those crazy ancients).

Three mortals, I mean men, made the first cut. I engaged them in conversation. First, I found myself conversing with Mr. Bi Polar who was cycling three or four times during each email (no offense to anyone with bi-polar…but if you’re having trouble with your meds, it’s probably not the best time for you to try to meet someone.) Then I started talking to the magician. Bet you can’t guess the trick he was able to perform! Yes, the disappearing act! Five very nice exchanges, until, I assume, he lost use of his fingers in a tragic accident…or maybe he made only his fingers disappear by mistake, and just didn’t want to resort to typing with his nose. And then, my favorite. A sweet young thing who was afraid to meet in person, but seemed completely convinced that a cyber-sex relationship was the best way to avoid an STD in these hard times.

I remind you, these are the ones who passed through my filter…granted they got clogged up and run through the disposal, but really? This is why I need a break after only two weeks of adventures. Maybe those of you who thought I was joking about the freak magnet will realized it’s not make-believe. It’s somewhere in my body, just wreaking havoc on my love-life, if you can even call it that…it’s more of a freak-life. And I don’t even get a free dinner out of it.

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Adventures at the Jungle Gym

January 9, 2010 at 4:08 am (Uncategorized)

It truly is a jungle in here…there are Tarzan wannabes swinging from the chin-up bars and trying to convince their fellow wild men that they can bench press their own weight, without bursting that bulging vein in their forehead. Ah, how I love the smell of testosterone in the morning…

I joined the gym to get healthy. I know that’s a really difficult concept to wrap your head around. I just want to come in, lift some weights, do some cardio, and re-define my body. So why am I looked at like Tom Cruise at a psychiatry convention when I venture from the carpeted border onto the anti-microbial mat that defines the jungle floor? Am I really such an oddity that you feel the need to stare? Are you afraid I am going to want to touch the 100 pound barbell you are pretending you can lift? I’m pretty sure being able to move 3 inches is not the full range of motion  that the exercise was originally designed with.

Seriously, the grunting is not really that necessary. I work pretty hard…I hurt…and I don’t really feel the need to draw attention to myself by growling like an animal. It seems that there is a whole ‘nother language being spoken, one I’m not all that interested in learning…after all, the vocab of this language seems pretty limited. Even Tarzan used his words when he was trying to impress Jane.

I know it’s not all that common to have a female enter the forest. We don’t grunt, we don’t try to show off, and we definitely are there to be all business. This must all be very confusing to you menfolk. I don’t expect anyone to try to understand. But it would be welcome if you allowed us a short stay in the forest without getting your peacock feathers in a ruff.

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Dating Advice in the Digital Age

January 6, 2010 at 3:07 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

I confess. As my potential dating pool has shrunk to a puddle, I have succumbed to the temptation of casting my net in the online dating world. I’m not going to lie; it’s a scary place.

I’m not going to try to warn other women away from online dating. It can be very entertaining if you approach it with the same expectations as you would, say, “Circus of the Stars”…you shouldn’t take it too seriously, but you might just see something good. However, I would like to offer some advice for the menfolk out there. Seriously, it might actually help you to be taken seriously.

Now, I realize that there are men on the dating sites who are there just to harass women–mainly because they lack the cajones to harass women in person, like men had to in the good old days (BC – before computers). But I am making the assumption that there are some men out there who feel their current options aren’t working and truly want to find someone to have a healthy relationship with. These suggestions are given to this crop of men, hoping that they will avoid certain behavior which would cause them to be lumped together with their cajones-less brethren.

1. Yes we like to see pictures, same as you. However, it is not in the least bit hot to see you topless, face obscured by your cell phone as you snap a picture of yourself in the bathroom mirror. Nope, not hot. It’s freakish.

2. Unless you feel that your true love is a materialistic snob, please avoid the urge to pose with your car. And the trick where you have your picture taken casually, and your car just happens to be in the background? We’re on to that, too. I’m sure you love your Hemi, but it’s not going to make any dateworthy woman scream, “I want him” at her laptop.

3. Learn how to spell. Learn how to write a complete sentence. I’m not sure why so many men want to give the appearance that they are illiterate. This is the US, we kind of expect you to be able to string a few words together, while making sense.

4. Learn to read. As in, take the time to read our profiles. If you refuse to take the time to do that whole reading thing, at least be polite when I point out to you that we might not be compatible (because I *read* your profile). And definitely do not ask me, “Why?” Because I will just tell you to read *my* profile.

5. Save the cheesy pick-up lines for the bar scene (or at least the first date). My first contact with you should not be, “Ur so hot, u make my world complete.” It makes me wish we were at a bar, so I’d have a drink to throw in your face.

Good luck!

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Surgeon Needed to Remove Freak Magnet

January 3, 2010 at 4:52 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

What better topic for my new blog than to discuss my unusual affliction. Apparently, I have a freak magnet lodged somewhere deep inside my body, and I would really like to find someone skilled enough to remove it permanently.

You always hear women talk about being a “freak magnet.” But they’re just trying to be funny. I am the bona fide real thing. Know a guy who keeps a hissing cockroach colony next to his collection of L. Ron Hubbard tomes? I guarantee he has tried to strike up a conversation with me on some stray Saturday night. If your cousin is still living in your aunt’s basement at age 45 and uses three “T’s” when emailing a woman he thinks is hot, he would probably be drawn to me like a fly to a bug zapper.

When out on New Year’s Eve, a rather odd fellow, who seemed to be channeling Capote, passed my way. My friend immediately pointed out the stellar odds that he would be the one most apt to ask for my number. Thank goodness he ended up having an equally unique bride, proving there really is someone for everyone. So apparently, I have a reputation now that I really don’t want to uphold.

I would like to think the reason for the odd attractions are due to the opposites attract philosophy. If I attract the freaks, I must be the anti-freak, right? However, I am sure there are many people who feel I am the type you can’t take home to mother. Even if you still live in her basement.

So if you know of a good surgeon who can remove the freak magnet, I would love to give them my business. Perhaps they would be able to demagnetize me.

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