Oh Canada…

May 3, 2010 at 1:04 am (Uncategorized)

Photo Courtesy Duncan Rawlinson

So I’ve figured one thing out. If you want creepy American guys to hit on you, you need a profile on Plenty of Fish. If you want creepy Canadian guys to hit on you, OKCupid is the site for you! (I need to say that I love Canada for real. Being so close to the border is one of the things I love the most about living in Buffalo. So please don’t think I am bashing Canada…I’m just bashing the douchebags that live in Canada. ) I’m having way too much fun with the built-in chat feature. Part of the problem is, once a douchebag reveals himself as such, I enjoy messing with them way to much for my own good. My latest escapade is below (this is what I get for logging onto the site on a Saturday night, I guess).

The names have been changed to protect the guilty. “Me” is, well, me. The guy’s username really isn’t CanadianDouche. Even I wouldn’t reply to someone with the name CanadianDouche…oh, who am I kidding, of course I would. How could I pass up fun like that?

Me: Hi, how are you doing tonight?

CanadianDouche: im good u?


CanadianDouche:u have more pics?

Me:not really, sorry

CanadianDouche:are u curvy?

This is my first clue that this conversation is going to head south pretty soon…and by south, I mean the south part of the body, aka, sexy time.


CanadianDouche:mmm thats hot

CanadianDouche:u passionate?

Me:depends on who I’m with

CanadianDouche:with sexy me

CanadianDouche:ima great kisser

CanadianDouche:i have a sexy bum and front is good too

I will admit, I love a man who is self-confident, but this isn’t an infomercial. Ease up there big guy.

Me:good to know

CanadianDouche:u can see my sexy body too

CanadianDouche:touch it if u want

CanadianDouche:but no sex

Me:well I guess everyone has to have boundaries 😛

CanadianDouche:u like touching?

OK, so now I know this guy is a freak. What guy says no to sex? Seriously. So I just go into full-blown mess mode on his Canadian ass.

Me:so why no sex?

Me:That’s all most guys ask for

CanadianDouche:till we get to know each other

Me:aw, you’re an old-fashioned kind of guy. That’s hot.


CanadianDouche:im passionate

CanadianDouche:u like a nice firm ass?

Me:why, you know someone who has one?

CanadianDouche:i do im told

CanadianDouche:and a big one too

CanadianDouche:wish u were here to see

Me:so you have a big ass?

CanadianDouche:small ass

CanadianDouche:big in front lol

Me:thanks for clarifying. I was thinking you looked like a Dr. Seuss character.



CanadianDouche:u cancome see it

Me:Do I have to buy a ticket like I do for other Toronto shows?


Apparently, sarcasm is a lost art on true douchebags.

CanadianDouche:ima great kisser

Me:do you have references?

CanadianDouche:i have a cam

What the hell are you going to do? Kiss your computer screen? I want a reference big boy.

CanadianDouche:u have a cam too?


CanadianDouche:no cam?

CanadianDouche:no pics awww

Me:no…its not working

I suppose I should admit here that I do have a webcam. And it works. Just not with douchebags. What’s more hysterical, is CanadianDouche shifts into Geek Squad mode, and tries to be a helpful citizen.

CanadianDouche:i fix computers

CanadianDouche:whats wrong with it?

Me: how convenient!

CanadianDouche:yes indeed

He then proceeded to list for me a number of different fixes so that I could fulfill his need to see my sexy curves on his laptop. Very helpful indeed. He asked me to look him up when I get my webcam working. Which will be never.


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