The Queen of Soul Was on to Something…

March 25, 2011 at 1:28 am (Dating is Fun, Somewhat Serious) (, , , , , , , )

Photo courtesy of Sukanto Debnath on Flickr

Ladies, we need to talk.

Some of you are acting in a way that is hurting your sistahs. Big time.

It’s all about respect. Yes, that same R-E-S-P-E-C-T that Aretha sang about in the 1960s. Except, some of you aren’t demanding the respect that is owed to you. And it’s making it pretty rough on the rest of us.

When I first jumped back into the dating pool, I hadn’t been actively looking for love for about 7 years. I figured it would be similar to the last time, when I would go on a couple of winner-dates, and then hit it somewhat lucky and meet a man I could stand to be around for more than an hour at a time. And he would court me, like guys do when they have enough respect for you to actually try to let you know they might care.

Was I wrong.

Apparently, a lot of you are putting up with a ridiculous amount of crap, just in the name of not being lonely. Because the guys out there seem a little, no, make that a LOT, surprised each time I’ve called them on their crap.

And what “crap” am I talking about? To be fair, I must admit, I am very high maintenance…I am talking about a man having enough respect for me to refrain from discussing his oh-so-average manhood until I’ve known him for more than 10 minutes. I am talking about not lying about something major, such as your age, or the fact your marriage actually failed once were convicted of securities fraud. I’m talking about basic manners, where you call someone if you have to cancel on plans, rather than blowing someone off altogether.

I’m talking about seeing me as a successful, intelligent woman, not a pair of boobs. I’m talking about dressing in more than a ratty T-shirt with your oil-stained flannel from 1983 the first time we meet. Out in public. Not in your garage.

I’m talking about something as simple as holding the door open for me, not because you want to get into my pants, but because it’s who you were raised to be: someone who is man enough to still respect a woman.

But back to you, ladies. You know who you are. The one who says it’s OK that he calls only once or twice a month for the booty call that leaves you feeling like crap the next day. The one who ignores the fact that pokes fun at your weight, or your family, or your clothing, during the first date, because it’s better to feel small and be with someone than be alone, right? The one who makes excuses for why he is treating you like an afterthought (the truth on that one? He treats you like an afterthought because you let him).

Ladies, you may not expect respect. That’s your choice. But you’re ruining it for the rest of us who have an ounce of self-respect left. You making it seem as if it’s OK to treat a woman like a piece of meat, like a toy. Because you enable this ridiculously bad behavior every time you agree to see him again, every time you let him off the hook for his thoughtlessness, every time you demean yourself for the sake of being in a “relationship”.

So, ladies, please do me a favor. Do all of us self-respecting women a favor. Look at yourself in the mirror. Really look at yourself. And I want you to repeat to yourself, over and over again, until you believe it: “You are worthy of respect. You deserve to be treated better. You will not allow him to diminish your self-worth.”

Once you believe the message, send it loud and clear to those men who want you to accept their crappy behavior. Make it known that you deserve everything Aretha was singing about. Don’t accept anything less.

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Reflections should be limited to mirrors…and clean bodies of water.

January 23, 2011 at 10:16 pm (Somewhat Serious) (, , , , , , )

It’s been about a year since I started this blog…mainly as a therapeutic outlet for my foray back into the world of dating. I kind of knew going in that dating in my late 30’s was going to be nothing like dating in my 20’s, but even I couldn’t predict the gauntlet I would be running in the quest to find a suitable mate.

It makes me appreciate the idea of arranged marriages. For real, yo.

The past year has been funny, but not really fun. Thanks for bursting my bubble, reality–most of the good men really are taken. I’ve meet a few…OK,only two…that I even considered real mate potential. One of those chose someone else, allowing me to ask distance myself and then ask, ‘What the eff was I thinking?’ So thanks for the help on avoiding a major mistake, dude #1. The second, is phenomenal. Truly–one of the most interesting and highly admirable persons I’ve met in years, let’s not even worry about the dating aspect. Which we won’t right now, because the fates, sadly, are having none of it. But he does give me that little seed of hope, which sometimes, is the best of all possible outcomes.

During this quest, there have been so many nutjobs that I worry about the toxicity levels of the water here in Western New York. One guy couldn’t have a conversation without talking ad nauseum about how much he hated his ex-wife and what an evil bitch she was. Way to move on there, dude. After I told him I didn’t think he was in a good place for a relationship, he told me I was mean. Which I took as a compliment, because what he really meant was I am sane. Two weeks later, I get an email from him that he got married over the weekend. W.T.F.? You must be very happy in that world of yours you appear to be floating around in.

And this is mild compared to some of the other nonsense. Good thing I’m a high school teacher and used to dealing with humans under the influence of hormonal rages.

So, I guess this blog post really doesn’t have much of a point…just seemed like I should reflect on the year. Great idea. Now I just feel like I need a glass of wine.

 

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eHarmony Sucks…just sayin’

December 26, 2010 at 3:11 am (Dating is Fun) (, , , , , )

I think the people who run eHarmony are delusional. You know that old guy in their commercials, who claims to be a “doctor”? Yeah, I’m pretty sure he’s a robot.

So I’ve been a customer of eHarmony. Only a little ashamed to admit it, mainly because it means I got played by a robot. I figured, if people are paying for a dating service, they might be a step up from the “hey baby, wanna get busy” crowd that lurks at bars and on free dating sites. Instead, I get a ROBOT sending me my perfect matches–of whom I have found maybe two out of 200 remotely interesting. So apparently, I don’t know what I want, because the robot assures me I should give people who don’t ever read books and work out 18 hours a day a chance, because that *is* what I really want. Thanks Mr. Robot. You suck.

Then Mr. eHarmony Robot has the nerve to invade my Facebook page.

What the evil eHarmony Robot wants you to believe...

If I ever find his little robot cave, I will do whatever it is people need to do to stop evil robots. I just need to do more research on that front. Promise.

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That’s What He Said…

October 6, 2010 at 12:50 am (Dating is Fun) (, , , , )

 

Photo Courtesy of Mark Hillary

 

One of the most frustrating things about trying out the online dating thing is decoding “guy speak.” Because it would make things way to easy for people to be upfront and honest. Because reading between the lines is fun…if you’re Sherlock Holmes…which I’m not. But if Sherlock Holmes looked anything like Robert Downey, Jr., I’d be all over that like a fat kid loves cake. But, I digress.

After amassing much, much, way too much, experience in trying to figure out exactly what the hell guys are really trying to say, I think I may have a handle on it. And because I am such a giving person, I felt the need to share my newfound knowledge with other women who may be navigating equally muddy waters.

So here is my offering: common themes that appear in mens’ profiles, and what they *actually* mean…which are very different things apparently.

“I am a fun-loving guy, who is looking for a companion to share the good times with.”

What he means: I want to get laid.

“Family is very important to me. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for my kids.”

What he means: I want to get laid, but only on the weekends I don’t have custody of my kids.

“I would like to find someone real, who wants a relationship.”

What he means: I want to get laid with a real human being…Blow-up Barbie is getting worn out.

“I am a romantic at heart–one of the last men left who knows how to treat a woman.”

What he means: I will buy you flowers, and open the door to the bedroom for you, because I want to get laid.

“I am truly a nice guy.”

What he means: Please. I want to get laid. Please.

“I am on this site just to have sex.”

What he means: He is obviously the only honest man left online, ladies. Grab. Him. Up!

Feel free to send any puzzling “guy speak” messages my way and I will decode them for you…but really, he just wants to get laid.

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How can you say no to these guys?

February 1, 2010 at 1:10 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

After riding the Creep Express Rollercoaster these last couple of weeks, I decided I needed to regain my sense of humor when it comes to dating, particularly online dating. I’m realizing I’m probably not going to get much out of it, except for a few good stories… Though I was hoping for a couple of good dinners…but hey, I’m not done yet!

So I decided to share some of the items that make me chuckle when perusing the dating sites…namely the creative usernames and headlines men choose as a way to entice the female of the species. I’m not certain who is advising these fellows, but they seriously need to be fired.

My favorite Usernames

I am not making any of these up. While I won’t reveal the dating site I found these on, if you search, you will find them.

Milf_Buster Now I’m not sure if this guy is actually an FBI agent looking to rid the whole of hot moms or some sort of mysoginistic freak…but I’m not willing to find out

mentalward333 Nothing says “come get me” like the promise of mental health issues. Still kicking myself for not sending him a message.

Row Me OOO I’m all for clever word play and literary allusions. But I have one word for this attempt: FAIL

niceflavor Seriously? All you got is that you taste good? And who do I call for references?

stimul8r What cracks me up is that this guy probably thought he was the most clever dog on the block when he thought of this. Or maybe he just saw it on a bumper sticker.

My favorite headlines

The headline for an online profile is supposed to capture your interest and make you seem attractive to possible mates. These succeed on the former and fail miserably on the latter.

I Just Want To Check You For Ticks Really, nature boy? If that is your biggest concern in today’s dating world, I suggest you re-take health class. Ticks should be the least of your worries.

Rarely used semi-virgin for sale Ok. Isn’t that like saying you are a “little bit pregnant”? Maybe I need to take health class again myself, but I’m pretty sure that whole virgin thing is a black or white issue.

Just lookin for whatever may come my way & Just looking for someone not crazy I’m glad these gusy are being so openminded. I’m thinking I would love to date someone whose best compliment for me is, “at least you’re not nuts.”

Do Not Contact Me If U Fear Rapture… I really, really want to know if this means in a religious way, or if this guy thinks he’s Blondie reborn. Because Deborah Harry’s still alive and I don’t think many people are afraid of her. Or maybe he’s just crazy enough to think he is that good…OK, that’s probably it.

The sad thing is, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I’m not sure how successful these gents are at finding a mate, considering they do such a great job of advertising themselves. But I am sure they make it a lot easier to keep your sense of humor as you scour the sites, looking for love.

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Talk About Needing a Break…

January 11, 2010 at 1:46 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

I’m already exhausted after only doing the online dating thing for two weeks. And I didn’t even get one good date out of the whole thing…I mean usually, even if you have a bad date, you can at least get a free dinner out of the deal, right?

It’s not because I didn’t get messages from anyone…oh, boy, did I get messages! I received the loquacious “o i am so lonely” and a 15 question survey. No one warned me that I might be interviewed! I got called a sexy BBW goddess about 10 times…seriously guys, if I was a goddess do you think I would be on a dating site? I would be planning my next natural disaster or scheming how to overthrow my brother who is also my father (got to love those crazy ancients).

Three mortals, I mean men, made the first cut. I engaged them in conversation. First, I found myself conversing with Mr. Bi Polar who was cycling three or four times during each email (no offense to anyone with bi-polar…but if you’re having trouble with your meds, it’s probably not the best time for you to try to meet someone.) Then I started talking to the magician. Bet you can’t guess the trick he was able to perform! Yes, the disappearing act! Five very nice exchanges, until, I assume, he lost use of his fingers in a tragic accident…or maybe he made only his fingers disappear by mistake, and just didn’t want to resort to typing with his nose. And then, my favorite. A sweet young thing who was afraid to meet in person, but seemed completely convinced that a cyber-sex relationship was the best way to avoid an STD in these hard times.

I remind you, these are the ones who passed through my filter…granted they got clogged up and run through the disposal, but really? This is why I need a break after only two weeks of adventures. Maybe those of you who thought I was joking about the freak magnet will realized it’s not make-believe. It’s somewhere in my body, just wreaking havoc on my love-life, if you can even call it that…it’s more of a freak-life. And I don’t even get a free dinner out of it.

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Dating Advice in the Digital Age

January 6, 2010 at 3:07 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

I confess. As my potential dating pool has shrunk to a puddle, I have succumbed to the temptation of casting my net in the online dating world. I’m not going to lie; it’s a scary place.

I’m not going to try to warn other women away from online dating. It can be very entertaining if you approach it with the same expectations as you would, say, “Circus of the Stars”…you shouldn’t take it too seriously, but you might just see something good. However, I would like to offer some advice for the menfolk out there. Seriously, it might actually help you to be taken seriously.

Now, I realize that there are men on the dating sites who are there just to harass women–mainly because they lack the cajones to harass women in person, like men had to in the good old days (BC – before computers). But I am making the assumption that there are some men out there who feel their current options aren’t working and truly want to find someone to have a healthy relationship with. These suggestions are given to this crop of men, hoping that they will avoid certain behavior which would cause them to be lumped together with their cajones-less brethren.

1. Yes we like to see pictures, same as you. However, it is not in the least bit hot to see you topless, face obscured by your cell phone as you snap a picture of yourself in the bathroom mirror. Nope, not hot. It’s freakish.

2. Unless you feel that your true love is a materialistic snob, please avoid the urge to pose with your car. And the trick where you have your picture taken casually, and your car just happens to be in the background? We’re on to that, too. I’m sure you love your Hemi, but it’s not going to make any dateworthy woman scream, “I want him” at her laptop.

3. Learn how to spell. Learn how to write a complete sentence. I’m not sure why so many men want to give the appearance that they are illiterate. This is the US, we kind of expect you to be able to string a few words together, while making sense.

4. Learn to read. As in, take the time to read our profiles. If you refuse to take the time to do that whole reading thing, at least be polite when I point out to you that we might not be compatible (because I *read* your profile). And definitely do not ask me, “Why?” Because I will just tell you to read *my* profile.

5. Save the cheesy pick-up lines for the bar scene (or at least the first date). My first contact with you should not be, “Ur so hot, u make my world complete.” It makes me wish we were at a bar, so I’d have a drink to throw in your face.

Good luck!

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