180 Degrees to Happiness
Photo by Wonderlane
I can’t believe it’s been just over a year since my life was turned upside down…only to find that, in reality, it was being placed right side up again.
It’s been about a year and a week since I came home from work to be told by my soon-to-be-ex husband that he was giving up on our marriage without trying to save it. Now I didn’t realize we had a do-not-resuscitate order to allow our marriage to die at the first sign of serious illness, but there were a lot of things I was clueless about those 3 and 1/2 blessed years.
But this is not to be a diatribe against my ex, though I can guarantee one would be entertaining. It’s about how life can totally flip you upside down, do a complete 180, and leave you feeling as if the earth shifted in it’s orbit and left you behind–and how that can be the biggest blessing the universe will grant you.
Sometimes when we are living our day-to-day existence, we grow to accept those things we should not accept. We rationalize pain and cruelty as part of love and commitment. We begin the slow bleed of losing ourselves in the wasteland that is fear. And we need the universe to kick us on our proverbial ass to wake us up and force us to realize that we are meant for much greater love than this.
So if anyone reading this is in that dark place I was a year ago, feeling as if you have been cast from the life you knew…know this: you have been forced onto a path that can lead you to find yourself and the life you would rather live. Don’t be afraid to follow it into parts unknown, or when it circles back to places you thought you had left behind forever. It is the path for your pilgrimage, where you are the truth you seek.
Liar, liar.
Why is it that even the most “honest” of us are so gifted at lying to ourselves?
I’m one of those people who really can’t lie. The truth is usually written all over my face, or I blurt out the truth even when I don’t want to. It sounds like this should be a good thing, right? Usually, it is, even though it leaves me vulnerable at certain times, and looking like a fool at others.
But this is when I am dealing with other people. When dealing with myself, I seem to lie my way through the day. I am honest with everyone but myself. And the crazy thing is, I try to believe the lies I feed myself. Which is why I usually find myself getting smashed in the face with the truth when I least want it.
I think this is something that all humans do to themselves. Why do we lie to ourselves? “No, I’m not upset”, “I’m so happy with my job”, “Boy, going to the gym and sweating out 10 gallons of water sure feels good!” It seems most of these self-deceptions are ways of getting through the day, methods of preserving our fragile sanity.
But then there are the more dangerous ones; the lies to ourselves that affect others. “Yes, I love him/her.” “Of course I’m happy being just friends.” “I forgive you.” These are the lies that cause lesions on the heart. These are the lies that I am wrestling with right now, trying to figure out how to stop lying to myself.
Honesty is supposed to be the best policy. So why is it so hard to apply that policy to one’s self? Because it’s easier to believe in the lie than to live in the truth.
Sorry for the depressing blog tonight…but even I get introspective once in a while…
Oh Canada…
Photo Courtesy Duncan Rawlinson
So I’ve figured one thing out. If you want creepy American guys to hit on you, you need a profile on Plenty of Fish. If you want creepy Canadian guys to hit on you, OKCupid is the site for you! (I need to say that I love Canada for real. Being so close to the border is one of the things I love the most about living in Buffalo. So please don’t think I am bashing Canada…I’m just bashing the douchebags that live in Canada. ) I’m having way too much fun with the built-in chat feature. Part of the problem is, once a douchebag reveals himself as such, I enjoy messing with them way to much for my own good. My latest escapade is below (this is what I get for logging onto the site on a Saturday night, I guess).
The names have been changed to protect the guilty. “Me” is, well, me. The guy’s username really isn’t CanadianDouche. Even I wouldn’t reply to someone with the name CanadianDouche…oh, who am I kidding, of course I would. How could I pass up fun like that?
Me: Hi, how are you doing tonight?
CanadianDouche: im good u?
Me:good…
CanadianDouche:u have more pics?
Me:not really, sorry
CanadianDouche:are u curvy?
This is my first clue that this conversation is going to head south pretty soon…and by south, I mean the south part of the body, aka, sexy time.
Me:lol…definitely
CanadianDouche:mmm thats hot
CanadianDouche:u passionate?
Me:depends on who I’m with
CanadianDouche:with sexy me
CanadianDouche:ima great kisser
CanadianDouche:i have a sexy bum and front is good too
I will admit, I love a man who is self-confident, but this isn’t an infomercial. Ease up there big guy.
Me:good to know
CanadianDouche:u can see my sexy body too
CanadianDouche:touch it if u want
CanadianDouche:but no sex
Me:well I guess everyone has to have boundaries š
CanadianDouche:u like touching?
OK, so now I know this guy is a freak. What guy says no to sex? Seriously. So I just go into full-blown mess mode on his Canadian ass.
Me:so why no sex?
Me:That’s all most guys ask for
CanadianDouche:till we get to know each other
Me:aw, you’re an old-fashioned kind of guy. That’s hot.
CanadianDouche:sometimes
CanadianDouche:im passionate
CanadianDouche:u like a nice firm ass?
Me:why, you know someone who has one?
CanadianDouche:i do im told
CanadianDouche:and a big one too
CanadianDouche:wish u were here to see
Me:so you have a big ass?
CanadianDouche:small ass
CanadianDouche:big in front lol
Me:thanks for clarifying. I was thinking you looked like a Dr. Seuss character.
CanadianDouche:yw
CanadianDouche:anytime
CanadianDouche:u cancome see it
Me:Do I have to buy a ticket like I do for other Toronto shows?
CanadianDouche:no
Apparently, sarcasm is a lost art on true douchebags.
CanadianDouche:ima great kisser
Me:do you have references?
CanadianDouche:i have a cam
What the hell are you going to do? Kiss your computer screen? I want a reference big boy.
CanadianDouche:u have a cam too?
Me:no
CanadianDouche:no cam?
CanadianDouche:no pics awww
Me:no…its not working
I suppose I should admit here that I do have a webcam. And it works. Just not with douchebags. What’s more hysterical, is CanadianDouche shifts into Geek Squad mode, and tries to be a helpful citizen.
CanadianDouche:i fix computers
CanadianDouche:whats wrong with it?
Me: how convenient!
CanadianDouche:yes indeed
He then proceeded to list for me a number of different fixes so that I couldĀ fulfillĀ his need to see my sexy curves on his laptop. Very helpful indeed. He asked me to look him up when I get my webcam working. Which will be never.
Rachel Baron Writes 