Dating 101: What Not to Say in the First 30 Seconds

March 27, 2010 at 12:29 am (Uncategorized)

Did you ever imagine the first few seconds of speaking on the phone to the man of your dreams? A smooth tenor, sweeping you off your feet with their eloquent prose…well, this is not that story.

Instead, I discovered that even I can be judgmental enough to think, I don’t want to date you just because you said that. Apparently, you don’t want to start off a first time conversation with someone by asking, “How are you?” They just might tell you.

So that’s what I made the mistake of doing–asking how he was.

This is what I was told (to the best of my memory…and sadly, I am not embellishing for effect this time):

…Well, I woke up last night around 3am and had to go to the bathroom. I kind of had a stomach ache. So there I am, sitting on the toilet, when all of a sudden, I start puking all over the place…like I can’t stop. And I had Chinese food for dinner, so I’m puking up Chinese…and I can recognize some of what I ate…so I had to clean up all this puke, and then I couldn’t really sleep…

Mind you, this was the first 30 seconds on the phone with this charmer. I was laughing with my hand over the phone, waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out to tell me I was being punk’d. When this charmer finished his speech, I managed to get out, “That’s too bad.”

To which he replied, “Oh, I probably shouldn’t have told you all that, huh.”

Not if you want to get lucky, Cassanova.

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Hanging it up…

March 15, 2010 at 12:19 am (Uncategorized)

Well, I lasted about a week being back out in the online dating world. Actually, within 48 hours, I was ready to run screaming for the hills…but, frankly, there aren’t any really good hills around where I live, so I just stayed put. Stayed put and listened to the message the universe was trying to send me–

“GET THE HELL OFF THOSE STUPID DATING SITES, YOU TWIT! THEY’RE NOT FOR YOU…HERE YOU WANT PROOF?”

And, boy, did I get proof. The universe doesn’t have a particularly nice voice either. It’s the kind of scratchy, whiny voice that pierces your eardrum…so you’d better listen unless you want your ears to bleed. As much as I wanted to cover my ears and shout “La, la, la, I’m not listening,” I need to heed that voice. The alternative is losing faith in testosterone-laden creatures entirely, and I’m not quite ready to go there–yet.

The more important thing I have realized is that I will take being alone over putting up with the ridiculous shenanigans I experienced this past week. I always knew that being alone was the better choice, but I have never felt it so strongly in my bones before! And to be honest, I am really happy with where my life is right now. And if that’s all I get for a while, I will be a lucky woman.

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Who knew bacon could be so evil?

March 12, 2010 at 12:48 am (Uncategorized)

Photo Courtesy kennymatic: http://www.flickr.com/people/kwl/

Years ago, in a universe far, far, away, I went on a couple of dates…was trying to find someone after I had broken up with a long-term boyfriend. Was looking for some excitement to liven up some boring days…and the universe didn’t disappoint.

I was supposed to meet a nice, young man at a local restaurant…Gabriel’s Gate (If you are ever in Buffalo, NY, you need to check it out, it rocks.) A nice lunchtime date was planned. What a perfect way to spend a Saturday afternoon, right?

Well, right away I knew there wasn’t much chemistry, but it’s always nice to chat and have a good lunch, right? So I ordered a salad, he ordered the BLT.  I say “he” not because I am trying to protect his identity, but because I honestly can’t remember the guy’s name. I’m bad like that.

So the conversation was nice, not great. Just the basic getting to know you chatter. Finally, our lunch arrives. My salad was fantastic. I mean so good. It’s pretty sad I remember the Caesar Salad and I don’t remember his name, but it was that good. As I am munching away on the crispy romaine, chattering away about God knows what, when the date gets the strangest look one his face. I remember running backwards through my recent statements to figure out what caused the puzzled, distressed look. I found nothing.

Because I’m so sensitive, I asked “Are you OK?”

To which he replied the last thing I ever expected. “I think I broke a tooth.”

What? On a BLT? How freakin’ hard was that bacon?

And then he proceeded to spit the tooth out on his napkin, and began to study the offending piece in earnest.

Not knowing what to do, but not wanting to waste a perfectly good salad…I just went back to eating.

After what seemed like an hour, he announced he had to go to the dentist (ya think?), threw a $20 on the table and left before I could even blink.

Not a bad way to spend the afternoon, though. I got a great story and an amazing salad out of the deal. But I learned to beware the bacon. It has a dark side.

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Someone please put the universe back together!

March 8, 2010 at 1:35 am (Uncategorized)

Credit: NASA / Goddard Space Flight Center

I’ve heard all of the stories about how the full moon brings on crazy nights at the ER. How people act a little bit crazy when we go through an eclipse. How the word “lunatic” comes from the Latin word, “luna.”

But I’m starting to worry that the universe is just plain broke. Friends from all walks have commented on how all hell has broken loose. We’ve had major meltdowns and fights at work. People are crying…the dead are rising from the grave…human sacrifice! Dogs and cats living together…mass hysteria! (Sorry, I channeled Ghostbusters for a moment there).

It seems everyone has gone temporarily insane for the moment. I know last week, I was so on edge, I could have given a Ginzu knife a run for its money. At school, there were fist-fights and screaming matches. Even at puppy play group there was extra humping going on.

So please, Mr. Universe Maintenance Man–please put it back the way it was. I know the universe wasn’t perfect, but it was a little more sane. It’s great to shake things up once in a while, but I feel like I’m trapped in a baby rattle. Not cool.

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Never Fear…

March 4, 2010 at 12:20 am (Uncategorized)

Since I have removed myself temporarily for the dating search, one of my friends opined that she would have nothing good to read about on my blog. This made me feel conflicted. Yea! Someone other than my mom reads my blog! vs. What? I’m only entertaining when I’m embittered from uncovering some of humanity that should have remained hidden?**

It’s true. I’m more entertaining when I’m embittered. But I hate being embittered. I really do. It makes me feel, well, ugly. So in the interest of remaining pretty, I’m going to avoid any bitterness-inducing behavior for a while. It’s better for my complexion.

But, never fear, my life is a comedy. Always has been. I have more than enough material, and am meeting new people everyday, who, I am positive, will provide even more fodder for my musings. Plus, I have always been a glutton for punishment, so I’m pretty sure within a few weeks, I will, in a moment of insanity, decide to jump on that horse again.

Have I mentioned that I don’t really like riding horses?

**DISCLAIMER: I felt a twinge of guilt while writing this line, as I actually did meet some honestly nice guys while searching. So, ladies, they aren’t all bad. You just have to wait to find the one who wants you, too.

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I’ve Got the Beat

March 1, 2010 at 12:49 am (Uncategorized)

I thought I had hidden or cancelled all of my dating “profiles”. Guess I was wrong, because I received a surprise email the other day from a young man in Milwaukee. And I live in Buffalo. Apparently, as he chided me, if you’re really searching for the one, you don’t dare constrict your search to somewhere you can drive to in less than 12 hours. I was crazy to think that I should want a relationship where I could see someone on a pretty frequent basis, without having to plan a major roadtrip. But, I digress, as usual.

What really caught my eye was his flair for COMPLIMENTS. All of the COMPLIMENTS were in capital letters as if he were shouting them from the rooftop…or his computer desk. And it’s from this young man that I learned I was BEATIFULL!!!!!!

Now, you know that I find punctuation sexy. So the exclamation points were quite the turn-on, if a little over-the-top for a first introduction. But I was confused as to what he meant…am I filled with the Beatitudes? I haven’t been inside a church in a while, so I highly doubt it. I think he somehow knew, that I am a fabulous dancer. Yes, that’s right. I am full of beats.

So was I callous enough to turn this young man down on the basis of one forgotten letter? No.

I turned him down because, after reading his profile, I realized he was nuts.

Seriously, where do they find me?

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